I was all geared up to write my yearly review for 2009 because I've written one of these yearly review things for about 5 years now but I really don't know how much I am gonna mess with but I'll start typing and we will see.
I pretty much feel like giving the finger to 2009. It hasn't been what I'd call a great or even good year. Sure, it could have been worse…things can always be worse so I am aware and thankful for the fact that things were NOT worse.
Let's see… T had neck surgery in early March which he has yet to see any relief from or be any better and we just found out why – things were not fixed as they should have been or as we were told they were and he's likely going to have to have surgery again in early 2010. He's freaking out, depressed, discouraged, etc… and rightfully so. I can't say I'm really excited about going through all this again either but at least we have some answers and a plan. I have to stay positive and keep the glass is half full mentality or I will spiral down to a place I don't want and cannot be. I'm the compass (scary, huh?) and I have to keep us all pointed North regardless of how tired or fatigued or anxiety stricken (ie bat $hit crazy) I am. It is just my job to do. I am a bit pissed that we spent most of this year scrambling, on the brink of financial ruin and miserable (all of us in different ways and for different reasons) and it was pretty much unnecessary from what I understand cuz had the F-tard who operated on T back in March actually done his job correctly and thoroughly – hell, if he would have even done it like he said he did it, T wouldn't be where he is now 9 months later and still no better than he was before surgery. Sooo basically he's suffered for 9 months thinking he'll heal getting more frustrated by the day and enduring more and more pain when he was never going to heal had we not pushed the issue and started seeing different doctors. Ahhh good to get that one off my chest.
There's a certification exam I need for work on something I've been doing for 10 years… I failed it not once but TWICE this year. Yay me. Pretty much hoping the 3rd time will be the charm on this one…it kinda has to be. Ha! No pressure.
My mother died a day before her 66th birthday and 12 days after my 36th birthday. She did not want to live anymore and she had gotten very sick very quickly. Not to sound cliché but I do know she is in a better place and she's where she has wanted to be for 20 years. Plus I would never want to see her sick and in pain so… I don't know this is a really tough one for me. I really do not think I've even fully processed it yet. It hits me really hard at times and I have even forgotten that she's dead at others. Is that normal? Beats me….but it is my experience so it is 'normal' for me. My sister and her daughter made the whole funeral experience a complete fiasco for me and my children. I have barely spoken to my sister and do not plan to speak to my niece any time soon. My grandmother and my mother are dead so any reasons and/or feelings of obligation to put up with unnecessary BS from either of them are....well, gone to be blunt. People's true colors come out during times like that and I did not like what I saw….was not at all surprised by what I saw but did not like it all the same. I got more emotional support from my friends than I did from my own family – which reminds me of a quote "Friends are the family we make for ourselves" I have no idea who said it or where it came from but it has stuck with me.
Ok I have used up my 'negative time' so now I need to focus on the good stuff from this year.
Boyzilla managed to get himself passed to the 10th grade. How he managed it, I have no idea but he did. We have taken a whole new approach to school with him that greatly reduces our stress and puts the pressure where it needs to be – on him to do the work. We've all been there and done that and there's really no need to get all worked up, yell, etc… it solves nothing AND it gives him the joy of knowing he's pissed us all off. Oh no, no more of that ;-) He hit a rather defiant spot a little earlier this year and I got to make a guest appearance at his school as a "you act a fool, your mommy will show up at school to correct the situation" statement. Amazing how effective that is on a 16yo to have his mommy show up at school hahahahahaha Plus it amused the hell out of his BAC teacher and me…we were both practically giddy. Ahhh the little joys in life LOL He's currently passing all but 2 classes so I'm quite happy with that actually. I know he's capable of more but frankly, I will take what I can get out of him at this point. He's reading 'Dante's Inferno' right now which amazes me. He's reading it AND comprehending it AND liking it. Go figure… He's slightly taller than me now (I'm just shy of 5'10) and reminds me every chance he gets, of course. He's wildly creative and as free of a spirit as you'll ever find. I admire that in him….now if I can just get him to do his homework!!! ;-)
TGC is doing much better since her nasty concussion in June. That was pretty scary. She's still playing hockey and earned her first shutout recently. It was very exciting. She's growing like crazy… she turned 11 this summer and she's 5'4" already. Coaches seem to really like that hahaha She had a very cool thing happen this year – through a very nice person that I've come to know over the last several months, TGC was able to get her old school Flyers #27 Hextall jersey and Hextall action figure signed by her goalie hero – Ron Hextall! She was absolutely giddy. She's kinda had a rough year in other areas of her life so this was a very cool thing for her at a much needed time! She's lost that 'little kid' look and is starting to look so grown up. Of course I think she's beautiful but my hope is that she sees that in herself. Raising girls through puberty is not an easy task -- so much pressure is put on them to be this or that and to look like this or that….its really shameful how people push their daughters so hard to fit into some kind of mold without even a moment's thought to what SHE may want. I try really hard to not push independence killing stuff on TGC. I'm sure I may inadvertently do it some but I am as mindful as I can be to boost her self-esteem and not tear her down. At the end of the day, I just do the best I can and try to do minimal damage.
Friends – I have great friends and without their support I would not have made it through this year. I am not really a "sharer" and don't really open up much when it comes to emotions but I've had to push that comfort line several times this year. Perhaps I should work on that in 2010 and try to not be such an emotional midget and yes, of course I know it is mostly fear that keeps me from opening up but that's another post for another day.
Yeaaaah you know that other blog I had? I'd not be surprised if it was resurrected in 2010. I need a "non-me" place to put some stuff cuz therapy just isn't gonna happen again any time soon and my alter ego blogging helped quite a bit. Just sayin.