Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thank you for signing a hot goalie... ok technicall "re-signing" since he has been in Philly before but still... I cannot believe I was unaware that Michael Leighton was hot but what a lovely surprise and what a GREAT win in Carolina for Coach Lavi & Leighton's return to RDU!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I was all geared up to write my yearly review for 2009 because I've written one of these yearly review things for about 5 years now but I really don't know how much I am gonna mess with but I'll start typing and we will see.
I pretty much feel like giving the finger to 2009. It hasn't been what I'd call a great or even good year. Sure, it could have been worse…things can always be worse so I am aware and thankful for the fact that things were NOT worse.
Let's see… T had neck surgery in early March which he has yet to see any relief from or be any better and we just found out why – things were not fixed as they should have been or as we were told they were and he's likely going to have to have surgery again in early 2010. He's freaking out, depressed, discouraged, etc… and rightfully so. I can't say I'm really excited about going through all this again either but at least we have some answers and a plan. I have to stay positive and keep the glass is half full mentality or I will spiral down to a place I don't want and cannot be. I'm the compass (scary, huh?) and I have to keep us all pointed North regardless of how tired or fatigued or anxiety stricken (ie bat $hit crazy) I am. It is just my job to do. I am a bit pissed that we spent most of this year scrambling, on the brink of financial ruin and miserable (all of us in different ways and for different reasons) and it was pretty much unnecessary from what I understand cuz had the F-tard who operated on T back in March actually done his job correctly and thoroughly – hell, if he would have even done it like he said he did it, T wouldn't be where he is now 9 months later and still no better than he was before surgery. Sooo basically he's suffered for 9 months thinking he'll heal getting more frustrated by the day and enduring more and more pain when he was never going to heal had we not pushed the issue and started seeing different doctors. Ahhh good to get that one off my chest.
There's a certification exam I need for work on something I've been doing for 10 years… I failed it not once but TWICE this year. Yay me. Pretty much hoping the 3rd time will be the charm on this one…it kinda has to be. Ha! No pressure.
My mother died a day before her 66th birthday and 12 days after my 36th birthday. She did not want to live anymore and she had gotten very sick very quickly. Not to sound cliché but I do know she is in a better place and she's where she has wanted to be for 20 years. Plus I would never want to see her sick and in pain so… I don't know this is a really tough one for me. I really do not think I've even fully processed it yet. It hits me really hard at times and I have even forgotten that she's dead at others. Is that normal? Beats me….but it is my experience so it is 'normal' for me. My sister and her daughter made the whole funeral experience a complete fiasco for me and my children. I have barely spoken to my sister and do not plan to speak to my niece any time soon. My grandmother and my mother are dead so any reasons and/or feelings of obligation to put up with unnecessary BS from either of them are....well, gone to be blunt. People's true colors come out during times like that and I did not like what I saw….was not at all surprised by what I saw but did not like it all the same. I got more emotional support from my friends than I did from my own family – which reminds me of a quote "Friends are the family we make for ourselves" I have no idea who said it or where it came from but it has stuck with me.
Ok I have used up my 'negative time' so now I need to focus on the good stuff from this year.
Boyzilla managed to get himself passed to the 10th grade. How he managed it, I have no idea but he did. We have taken a whole new approach to school with him that greatly reduces our stress and puts the pressure where it needs to be – on him to do the work. We've all been there and done that and there's really no need to get all worked up, yell, etc… it solves nothing AND it gives him the joy of knowing he's pissed us all off. Oh no, no more of that ;-) He hit a rather defiant spot a little earlier this year and I got to make a guest appearance at his school as a "you act a fool, your mommy will show up at school to correct the situation" statement. Amazing how effective that is on a 16yo to have his mommy show up at school hahahahahaha Plus it amused the hell out of his BAC teacher and me…we were both practically giddy. Ahhh the little joys in life LOL He's currently passing all but 2 classes so I'm quite happy with that actually. I know he's capable of more but frankly, I will take what I can get out of him at this point. He's reading 'Dante's Inferno' right now which amazes me. He's reading it AND comprehending it AND liking it. Go figure… He's slightly taller than me now (I'm just shy of 5'10) and reminds me every chance he gets, of course. He's wildly creative and as free of a spirit as you'll ever find. I admire that in him….now if I can just get him to do his homework!!! ;-)
TGC is doing much better since her nasty concussion in June. That was pretty scary. She's still playing hockey and earned her first shutout recently. It was very exciting. She's growing like crazy… she turned 11 this summer and she's 5'4" already. Coaches seem to really like that hahaha She had a very cool thing happen this year – through a very nice person that I've come to know over the last several months, TGC was able to get her old school Flyers #27 Hextall jersey and Hextall action figure signed by her goalie hero – Ron Hextall! She was absolutely giddy. She's kinda had a rough year in other areas of her life so this was a very cool thing for her at a much needed time! She's lost that 'little kid' look and is starting to look so grown up. Of course I think she's beautiful but my hope is that she sees that in herself. Raising girls through puberty is not an easy task -- so much pressure is put on them to be this or that and to look like this or that….its really shameful how people push their daughters so hard to fit into some kind of mold without even a moment's thought to what SHE may want. I try really hard to not push independence killing stuff on TGC. I'm sure I may inadvertently do it some but I am as mindful as I can be to boost her self-esteem and not tear her down. At the end of the day, I just do the best I can and try to do minimal damage.
Friends – I have great friends and without their support I would not have made it through this year. I am not really a "sharer" and don't really open up much when it comes to emotions but I've had to push that comfort line several times this year. Perhaps I should work on that in 2010 and try to not be such an emotional midget and yes, of course I know it is mostly fear that keeps me from opening up but that's another post for another day.
Yeaaaah you know that other blog I had? I'd not be surprised if it was resurrected in 2010. I need a "non-me" place to put some stuff cuz therapy just isn't gonna happen again any time soon and my alter ego blogging helped quite a bit. Just sayin.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Worst Home Remedies
Are Sex Toys Dangerous???
(I didn't even read the article… the title was just too good to not share hahahaha Yes, I have the sense of humor of a 12yo…this should not come as a shock to anyone)
Connection Between Creativity & Mood Disorders
5 Ways To Keep Your Teeth Healthy
Woods Has Put His Tiger In…. 14 Tanks Now (ahhh you knew I'd toss in something related to the recently dethroned 'good boy golfer'… *gag me*)
Take it ALL. Every dime. Every dime he hasn't even made yet, take that too.
Monday, November 23, 2009
WARNING: If you want to see 'New Moon' or '2012' and have not seen them, I'd stop reading now if I were you because I'm gonna give stuff away so if you keep reading anyway, don't be mad at me because I'm warning you now.
I have not been to the movies in forever and this weekend I saw 2 movies! I know, I left the house on Saturday and Sunday – clearly, the world is ending LOL
Actually we had hockey games on both days so I had to leave the house anyway but still…
Saturday TGC, a friend of mine and her 2 boys – one of which is TGC's good friend – went to see 'New Moon'. The younger of the boys wanted to see the werewolves and the older one was bored at home and just came along for the ride. Admittedly I was kinda along for the ride too as I am not exactly what you'd call a huge Twilight fan. Before this movie, I had absolutely no allegiance to "team Edward" or "team Jacob" nor did I give a crap. TGC and my friend and fellow hockey mom were firmly placed on the side of team Edward….until TGC got a look at Jacob (Taylor Lautner) sans shirt. I look over at her and saw her mouth hanging open so I lean over to ask "still team Edward??" LOL She realized she he was totally hot but she was trying very hard to stay loyal to team Edward, I give her credit there. Me, I have eyes so I made the obvious choice – Team Jacob it is! It took TGC a little longer but by the time Jacob showed back up with the shorter hair and totally ripped bod, TGC was sold. LOL She likes vampires and all that but anyone with eyes can see that Jacob is smoking hot and Edward is pale, puny and simply not attractive. Easy. The movie itself was decent… I was pleasantly surprised. I have not – and will not – read the books so I have no idea if it followed the book or not nor do I care. I had to stifle laughter when Edward "sparkled"… (vampires sparkling…. REALLY??) I find Bella to be painfully annoying but I hear Kristen Stewart plays the character very well so I won't blame her for poor acting… I'll just chalk it up to the actual character being annoying. (putting on my helmet now so the rocks that get thrown at me just bounce off LOL) So Bella and Jacob come really close several times to making a "love connection" but something always gets in the way… then Alice shows up when she thinks Bella is dead after doing a series of reckless, retarded things to try to keep "seeing" Edward. Alice "sees" that Edward is gonna go see the Vampire Grand Poobahs in Italy to kill himself cuz he thinks Bella is dead, blah blah blah… Alice & Bella go to Italy… yadda yadda yadda… Bella gets there just in time (of course… hello? New Moon is the 2nd book…there's 3 or 4 of these things so you KNOW he's not gonna die…duh) Then they all go before the Grand Poobahs and turns out the Grand Daddy Vampire or whatever the hell he is cant read Bella's thoughts either (oooh aaah) soooo in order for them all to live – or maybe it was in order for Edward to live? Who knows – Edward has to agree to turn Bella into a vampire. He wont…but Alice will! For those of you who have read all the books, you know what is gonna happen later so no need for me to go there. Yes, I know because I asked someone. No way am I reading all those damn books. Oh and btw Eclipse comes out 6/30/10. The very end Edward agrees to "turn" Bella on one condition…. That she marry him. Gag me….with a spoon even.
My final words on this: Decent movie even for the people who aren't big into the Twilight thing; however, I will take Vampire Diaries and/or True Blood over this ANY DAY.
Sunday the movie of choice was '2012'. Special effects – very cool. Downside – the movie is THREE HOURS LONG. The first hour or so is kinda slow and could've been scaled back a bit to where it still gave adequate setup/historical info – er "historical" info – and brought the movie back closer to the 2 hour mark and still been a good movie. Woody Harrelson is GREAT in this movie. The kids were all kinda fidgety the first half or so of the movie but when stuff started cracking, falling apart, etc… they all got really still & quiet really quick. LOL John Cusack is in this movie and I love him!!! But I don't know that I loved him in this movie as much as I've loved him in other movies he's done. If you like realistic, plausible movies – this one isn't for you. If you like movies that stretch the imagination and have cool special effects, you'll enjoy it most likely if you are willing to take in the attempt at a morality lesson near the end.
Final words – 'Day After Tomorrow' was better and shorter (yes I know the story is totally different)! Special effects are really cool but its just too long and the attempted morality lesson misses the boat (I made a funny!) as it is still just about all elitists on board the "ships".
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Yeah so I'm reading a book called 'Reviving Ophelia' about girls, puberty and the difficulty of the whole situation. First, I wish I would have read this book YEARS ago. Second, if you are a daughter, have a daughter or even know a female in the remote range of puberty – stop what you are doing and read this book. Since I am now the mother of a young girl going through puberty, soooo many things take on an entirely different meaning for me. I do not recall much about my own experience with this so my point of reference is basically non-existent. However, the more I see changing in my own daughter the more I am reaching out to other moms, reading books like 'Reviving Ophelia' and basically looking for any points of information for others who have gone through what we are going through now and almost every single mom I've asked so far has reported the exact same stuff with their daughters but it seems to be a secret club almost as I do not see or hear too many of them discussing any of these issues unless specifically asked. Maybe it is too personal to discuss? I don't know but what I do know is that puberty has the potential to turn your one day happy-go-lucky tomboy without a care in the world into a withdrawn young girl with plummeting self-esteem, overly cautious about her looks and into the depths of depression. I guess I have just finally come to the same point that many other parents before me have to come to with their daughters and that is to simply hope that she will somehow see in herself what I see in her. I do not hold any specific hopes for TGC because I want her to be what SHE wants, not what I want. I do not push her to be "girly" or to not be "girly". She's more into sports than cheerleading and that is totally fine with me…and if that changes that is fine with me as well. I want her to be happy, healthy and safe – those are my hopes for her. She has gone through a growth spurt before most of her friends so she's feeling awkward (more so than normal) because she's taller than most everyone and has started the whole "why don't any boys like me" thing. Ummm she's 11. That seems way too young to be worried about this kind of stuff but apparently not. I want her to be capable of healthy relationships and able to love herself as well as others but never feel like she must like or be liked by some boy to be a full/worthy person. Ugh I could go on and on about this but I wont. She's a beautiful girl who has so much to offer the world… I just wish SHE could see that but I guess most 11/12 year old girls don't see that in themselves which is sad.
I thought I could pretty much deal with anything considering all the storms I've weathered in my lifetime but watching your child go through phases of deep depression when the value of life is questioned is without a doubt, a sucker punch I was not prepared for… we will get through it because we can tackle anything that is flung our way but it is certainly a difficult battle with an opponent I clearly underestimated.
Monday, November 9, 2009
For those of you (all 2 of you LOL) who read my old blog, you are likely surprised it has taken me this long to write a hockey post. For those of you who may stumble upon this blog, I shall warn you now – I love hockey and I am extremely passionate (opinionated) about it. I will try to keep the hockey talk to a minimum as I do realize that not everyone loves hockey as much as I do – I don't understand it but I realize it (haha)
Alrighty then… as I watched Chris Drury get concussed – again – Saturday evening by that dirtbag Glencross I got a little fed up with the state of the NHL right now …all the big hockey bloggin boys are talking about it….but you haven't read MY take on it and God knows the world deserves my take on just about everything *wink* -- especially hockey.
First, I believe the NHL we are experiencing this season is actually the NHL of some bizarro parallel universe. Why? Let me point you first to the Western Conference standings:
In case the list does not explain it, I will – Colorado, LA and PHX finished in the bottom of the Western Conference last year. They are currently in spots 2, 4 and 6. The two teams who played in the conference finals are in spots 9 and 10 – not that it doesn't make me giddy like a school girl that Detroit is sucking ass this year cuz it totally does but still, you get the point.
I won't post the entire Eastern standings because all I really have to say to prove my point in regards to the East is this: Tampa Bay is in 7th and Boston is in 10th. I'll just let that sink in a moment. Go on, let it simmer. Need more? The Islanders are in 8th. Oooh yeah, ok see that solidified things for ya, didn't it? Yep, thought so.
In the meantime…. GO STARS! GO FLYERS!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
This is a bit disconcerting….my anxiety level is up, I know once I start writing I am going to start venting but I am now blogging as myself and not shielded behind a pseudonym so that any problem or imperfection I mention is not directly linked to ME. I honestly do not think that my hesitation or anxiety come from what people may think of the specific problem(s) I may have but rather that I have problems at all and not able to solve them myself. Irrational? Yes. Completely hypocritical? Yes. The hypocritical part bothers me but this is not the first or last time I've been irrational.
I am tired. No, I am beyond tired…I am exhausted. I'm exhausted and yet I do not have the option to stay home or get away or take a break or whatever. Fine, I get it. Not like I have not been in the "responsible chair" for years now but along with this pesky perpetual exhaustion, I have a lingering twinge of anger that just will not go away. I am fed up. Like just about everyone else I talk to lately, my job is ridiculously frustrating, financial pressure is something I've never dealt with well, there are very VERY few things that I can even pretend to take joy in anymore and a med change is not the answer because I've tried just about all of them. I stopped taking the most recent "lets try this one" after almost 3 months because just like all the others, it didn't do anything. I'm back to bare bones – ADD med, Anxiety med and migraine/mood stabilization med. Putting anything else on top of those 3 is basically pointless and I am done trying anything else. I canceled my sleep study appointment because after reviewing the paperwork for the appointment it is all about sleep apnea – which I do not have – and insomnia due to breathing issues – which I also do not have. They aren't going to address the stuff that keeps me awake or give me good drugs so I am not going to waste my time. The one drug that actually shut my brain off and allowed me to sleep I cannot take because it is really bad for you and causes all kinds of other issues. I've been use to sleep deprivation for 20 years, I'll go with what I know as it seems better than insulin resistant diabetes as the result of taking some drug for sleep…but thanks anyway.
I had to stop going to see my therapist. It was too much for me to have to try to deal with right now on top of all the other BS I am having to try to take care of and it not really giving me any positive results that I could see or feel. It made me feel worse and again, I have too much other crap going on and people to try to take care of to have to deal with all that crap too.
I don't like feeling like this. I don't like being angry and not being able to find any happiness in anything but I've managed to dig a hole I cant climb out of and my only options are to just suck it up and figure out how to get up every morning to get to work and manage how to not let it show how freakin exhausted, worn down and essentially hanging by a thread I am although putting this in a blog post isn't exactly hiding it. Blogging is a way to release some pressure for me though. Some people talk to friends, I blog. Until I can ride this out and put on my shiny happy face again, I am just gonna have to vent it out here. There is nobody to pick me up but me. Welcome to Jackieville. Population: 1.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I'm also working on moving all my blog links over and I'll toss up a Twitter widget too. Why not?
2 years ago I would have NEVER EVER even considered blogging as me so this is weird.... kinda not nearly the big hairy deal I once thought it to be though. Could that be progress or perhaps me just not caring as much what people think about what I write? Probably a combination but even a little progress is good, right??? RIIIIIIIGHT.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I'm gonna be rebuilding my blogroll over here and maybe adding some new ones.
What can you expect to find here in Jackieville? Probably a lot of venting, hockey talk, kid related stuff and various other things that either freak me out, scare me or push me to want to change. Who knows? It could be a potpouri of posts for all I know.
Put on your helmets, fasten your chin straps and stay outta the crease cuz Jackieville is officially up and running!