This is a bit disconcerting….my anxiety level is up, I know once I start writing I am going to start venting but I am now blogging as myself and not shielded behind a pseudonym so that any problem or imperfection I mention is not directly linked to ME. I honestly do not think that my hesitation or anxiety come from what people may think of the specific problem(s) I may have but rather that I have problems at all and not able to solve them myself. Irrational? Yes. Completely hypocritical? Yes. The hypocritical part bothers me but this is not the first or last time I've been irrational.
I am tired. No, I am beyond tired…I am exhausted. I'm exhausted and yet I do not have the option to stay home or get away or take a break or whatever. Fine, I get it. Not like I have not been in the "responsible chair" for years now but along with this pesky perpetual exhaustion, I have a lingering twinge of anger that just will not go away. I am fed up. Like just about everyone else I talk to lately, my job is ridiculously frustrating, financial pressure is something I've never dealt with well, there are very VERY few things that I can even pretend to take joy in anymore and a med change is not the answer because I've tried just about all of them. I stopped taking the most recent "lets try this one" after almost 3 months because just like all the others, it didn't do anything. I'm back to bare bones – ADD med, Anxiety med and migraine/mood stabilization med. Putting anything else on top of those 3 is basically pointless and I am done trying anything else. I canceled my sleep study appointment because after reviewing the paperwork for the appointment it is all about sleep apnea – which I do not have – and insomnia due to breathing issues – which I also do not have. They aren't going to address the stuff that keeps me awake or give me good drugs so I am not going to waste my time. The one drug that actually shut my brain off and allowed me to sleep I cannot take because it is really bad for you and causes all kinds of other issues. I've been use to sleep deprivation for 20 years, I'll go with what I know as it seems better than insulin resistant diabetes as the result of taking some drug for sleep…but thanks anyway.
I had to stop going to see my therapist. It was too much for me to have to try to deal with right now on top of all the other BS I am having to try to take care of and it not really giving me any positive results that I could see or feel. It made me feel worse and again, I have too much other crap going on and people to try to take care of to have to deal with all that crap too.
I don't like feeling like this. I don't like being angry and not being able to find any happiness in anything but I've managed to dig a hole I cant climb out of and my only options are to just suck it up and figure out how to get up every morning to get to work and manage how to not let it show how freakin exhausted, worn down and essentially hanging by a thread I am although putting this in a blog post isn't exactly hiding it. Blogging is a way to release some pressure for me though. Some people talk to friends, I blog. Until I can ride this out and put on my shiny happy face again, I am just gonna have to vent it out here. There is nobody to pick me up but me. Welcome to Jackieville. Population: 1.