randomness

I'm tired. 

I'm completely drained.

I want to not be a complete hermit but it seems as though I have managed to isolate myself from just about everyone.  Ok, I get it..my own fault.

Why is it that when I need people the most I am totally unable to speak up or ask for help/support?? What is up with that?  That is messed up and not even in the same zip code as normal...plus it has just grown really REALLY old.

I do not want to bury every feeling and/or emotion but the process of learning to NOT do that is so overwhelmingly difficult that I'm not sure I can do it at this point.  Hi, rock. Hi, hard place.  And hellllo bat shit crazy. 

Sometimes I am angry because I feel unappreciated (yeah, join the crowd - I know).  Honestly, angry is not the right word ...its really more hurt but hurt isnt something I've allowed myself to feel for a really long time.  Anger I allow, hurt I don't so much. 

I figured out recently that I actually fear happiness.  Ummmm WTF?! 

Crikey.... no wonder I'm a mess.